I GO CRAZY, CRAZY!!!!

Not too long ago Mike mentioned I am like Jeckel(sp?) and Hyde...I have a really good side, and an evil side. Well, I was a bit saddened to hear that, but really believe moreso than ever that I am a lot like that. I never will understand why I snap when I do and wonder why something that I think would make me mad sometimes doesn't...so...hence the title...I GO CRAZY!!! I feel like I am a nutcase!
I was talking to a girlfriend I haven't seen in awhile and telling her that it'd be nice to blame my actions/behavior on my pregnancy that being ready to pop just adds to my disfunction, but that is just a scapegoat...I've been like this I believe since I was little...ask my siblings...am I right Tiffany, Nicole?(since you are the only two siblings I know that read my blog)...anyway...how to change? Thankfully I have been blessed with self awareness and I know this is a problem I have and sometimes I come out of the nuttiness/crazieness/grouchiness sooner than later but not before I have to go back and apologize or make amends. So...it just sucks! I had a really bad day yesterday...and I will say that a lot has to do with having a rough sleep schedule lately due to summer and letting the kids play and nap to their hearts content without a schedule...but I am feeling like that was a bad idea...even though Mike said at one time "it's summer, let them stay up as long as they like"...I should have stood my ground...he isn't the one up late with them and even though I get to sleep in for the most part it's been screwing my body up!
Well, so yesterday I just about went postal on my neighbor girls and my own...they fight like crazy and whine and all that crap I ended up throwing a fit just like they do...and who's the adult here! Wasn't me yesterday...just ask Stella who was an unfortunate witness to my meltdown.
Stella, Emily and her kids and I planned to go to Kings Dominion to play at the Water Park yesterday afternoon...and I had threatened the kids that they wouldn't go and I'd get a sitter for them so at least I could go...but I ended up going...mostly since I realized really deep down (by the way) that I was overreacting and being the rotten one...so once we got on our way I was fine!!! We had an awesome fun time at the water park and we plan on going two more times next week...mostly since I am going to be babysitting for a friend the first two weeks in August and then am leaving for AZ!!!! (vacation just for me alone...and isin't it obvious by this post that I need it)...soo...It ought to be fun...especially since we didn't do any rides yesterday. By the time we were done playing in the water and eating dinner we had two sleeping kids and several whining ones! UGH...and then I lost it with Jaimie when she threw a fit over where she was going to sit in the suburban! I totally yelled and said if she didn't shut up I'd knock her teeth down her throat. That is twice in the last few months I used that line on her...it didn't go over well with Mike the first time I said it, so luckily he wasn't there this time, but I immediately had to tell her I didn't mean that, and I am throwing a fit too and we left the theme park without problems, but am I just going loco or what?!?!?! Who tells their kids that? I don't want to be one that does....I know my dad used that line on us, but I believe I was older and like I really thought he would...my girls take things literally...and Jaimie is so blunt in letting me know I was rotten to her. ..I did redeem myself and let her have 5 stars on her chart because she suffered for my rotten behavior...ugh! Well, I only know that I need to provide the settings for my success and learn to count to 10 take a deep breath and not let the little things bug me so easily...and I've grounded my girls from playing with the neighbor girls till Monday...mostly for my sake. I need a break from them as much as I think the girls unknowingly need a break too! They fight too much and perhaps a few grounding here and there of no playtime with them will help them appreciate eachother better!
Well, I best go before you hear too much more of the is it Jeckel or Hyde in me (whichever the bad one is) You'd think I should know but it'll take too much brain thought to figure it out right now...so anyway...don't want you to think I am a complete failure and rotten mother, but it's better to have people know my faults then pretend I am perfect...like I jokingly say I am like Mary Poppins! Wish I could be more like Nanny McPhee...but I'd end up using the stick to pound their tail ends.
Well ta ta!!! till later!
PS...today is going extremely well...we woke up late and have had breakfast and we are just chilling and enjoying just eachother!!! So that's good! xoxox luv luv